Sleeping and waiting
For the moments to pass by
Caught in a time warp
Sometimes I wonder why
Delusional and restless
The mind feels now
Tapered and scattered
The soul is and how!
The mind will wait
For its judgment day
Till then the skies will be
All blue and grey
Top excuses to give when you are caught sleeping at your desk:
1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
4. I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
7. Actually I’m doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.
9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
10. The coffee machine is broken.
11. Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.
12. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!
13. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
14. I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
15. Amen.
Courtesy: www.lifeisajoke.com
We managed to get on the flat top of the strange looking place. Although the climb was a little more than a 5 storied building, it did not leave us panting. Climbing it was rather fun with the nice even slope, but I am sure Elf wouldn’t agree.
It was beautiful, the sun was high up in the sky, yet one didn’t feel the heat. There was steady breeze, neither hot nor cold just perfect.
Just then I saw these HORSES galloping, oh where they beautiful!!! Three of them, white, and two browns. As they got a little closer I realized that they were much larger than the regular horses, much, much larger. Oh! How I wanna ride them. Although I am shit scared of horses because it’s really difficult to keep the balance, one just keeps tumbling on either side of the narrow seating saddle. BUT THESE, Oh these horses had nice WIDE backs. I am sure the balance would be much better; also their bones might hurt less with such nice thick coating of muscle over them.
I started running, following them as they had passed me and went some 100 odd meters ahead while I was musing about riding them. I was running, pulled in by their magnetism, forgetting the rest of the gang or rather not knowing if they were following me or yelling for me to stop.
I reached a strange looking ruin of some man created fort of sorts. It was falling apart and was clearly not in the books of ancient art history or precious monuments because there were creepers all over it and was black with years of battle with the hard hitting weather. It was still very beautiful, in a very crude sense of the jungle, it was beautiful.
The horses disappeared, Oh Shit!! Now What Do I Do?!?! I have no idea where to go from here or how to go back. CRAP! I looked around and saw a narrow path, very faint, but it was there. Went ahead and saw a sharp turn, I believe it’s a narrow entrance in the structure, caused by some fallen loose stones of the wall. So reluctant but strangely determined I peeped inside, saw wild flowers and trees all over. It was jus the same inside as it was outside. So I walked in, went about aimlessly, being in awe of the beauty of the untouched jungle.
I heard rustling of dried leaves or maybe (just maybe) it was a cheerful sound, I couldn’t be too sure, for it died out as fast as it came. I thought it came somewhere from the right, yea I guess I should check what it was. I started walking from in between the jungle. There were beautiful flowers with colours as vibrant as I’ve never seen before. I saw this bright magenta one. Oh was it Gg-oO-r-G-e-o-U-sS o what?! I had a violent urge to touch and eat it. I wondered if it was normal, aah what the heck! I grabbed one, plucked it and put it in my mouth. Oh the taste was incredible, like nothing I’ve tasted before, yummm. No wonder the bees freak out on brightly coloured flowers, they just taste So Good.
I heard the sound again, this time it was closer and it jerked me out of the magnetism of the hypnotic taste. I moved forward and could sense a lot of people, may be it’s a tribal community loving here. Oh wow, that would be fun! I moved forward, there was an opening of sorts in a wall, some 10 feet away, this one was bigger and there was a lot of light on the other side. This must be it, this is where they live. I must go and check it out. I reached and pushed myself on the other side. The sight, unbelievable as it may seem, was truly extraordinary and wonderful.
There not very far from me were the three magnificent horses and when I shifted my focus to the wide expanse of the truly dream like jungle I saw the most wondrous creatures.
There were huge brightly coloured birds, llama, giraffes, deer, and squirrels – mighty big ones too. Oh and a little further away, lazing in the shade was a Panther! A PANTHER! ohmigod was it awesome or what?!
I tried to move about soundlessly as to not disturb them and startle them with a human presence. But I had a feeling that although they didn’t take notice of me, they seemed to know I was there and didn’t mind it. I moved a little further and just then I saw the strangest of all sites. They looked like monkeys but were nothing like the 3 of them, 2 big ones and a kid. The elders were holding two trees on either side and had entangled their tails with each other and the baby was sitting on it and together all three of them were swinging oh! So much fun!
They had such peculiar eyes, perfectly round and really big – reminded me of the powder-puff girl’s eyes. There was about half an inch of bright magenta border around them. Without realizing I had moved closer to them and now I could really see the eyes clearly while they kept on swinging while looking at me. The eyes seemed to be smiling with their crystal clear shine and the magenta border. Even when the mouth was still the eyes were smiling. I could see myself only a dark silhouette in their eyes. All that running around and moving about in the jungle had surely messed up my hair.
I couldn’t stop myself from saying, although I knew that there was no way the monkeys would understand what I’d be saying, but before I could stop myself I uttered “My turn next”. I knew I said it because I could feel my mouth move but only a very strange sound came out, and something stranger happened next. The kid jumped out, looked at me with those smiley eyes and turned to look at the live monkey swing. It really WAS my turn.
I think it’s about that time for me to make fun of people again. I miss it.
The best place to start is the jungle they call Online Dating. So I created a fake id for the fun of it and here are a few of my latest emails received. Oh how I love seeing the English language being slaughtered. Sigh!
Bachelor #1: YOU SEEM NICE GET BACK IF YOUR INTERERSTED
A quick glance at his profile reveals that as a career: “I work about 60 hours about in concrete. I am happy with my life”. That’s all he says and the only answer to the typical “About Me” stuff he gave was his salary.
First of all I’d like to know how I seem nice when you’ve never spoken to me. You can’t really judge niceness based on a written profile, especially not one that’s fake and to the point, like mine is. That would be like me telling him that he seems loud. Which he does, what with all the yelling and such.
Also what the hell does “about 60 hours about in concrete” mean? You work close to 60 hours kind of with a material resembling concrete? You work 60 hours a week? A month? A pay-period? A year? A lifetime? Who the hell cares how many hours you work?
NEXT!
Bachelor #2: Do u have msn?
While I’m at it, can I just give you my address? We haven’t exchanged 5 words and you want me to give you my msn? What kind of girl sees this message and thinks: “Gosh he sure did put in a lot of effort to obtain a personal bit of information from me; I should definitely give him a chance.”
So, giving him a chance, I look at his profile and find these tantalizing tidbits:
I am sexxy, energetic, and easy going. I am 31 male 5′9 well built and looking for friends and more. i am adventurious and always lookingto try new things.
Good thing you’re sexxy and not just sexy because I never date guys who are “only one x” sexy.
Moving on!
Bachelor #3: HI! I am nice good looking East Indian guy who is looking for some fun.
If you’re so good-looking why don’t you have a picture up? Also, telling a normal girl you’re looking for some fun = telling a whore you just want to talk. Or something along those lines.
My backwards analogies make sense in my mind. Does yours after reading this post?
Mostly I feel safe in this city, some days, not so much. Today the president of my company, trying to be helpful, advised me to pick up some bear-spray. I completely misunderstood and in my mind the conversation went like this:
The Pres: “Alice, do you have hairspray in your purse?”
Me: *thinking: what is wrong with my hair?*
“Um..no, but there’s some in the bathroom”
The Pres: *looking confused*
“Oh. Well you should think about getting some. For your purse.”
Me: “Oh…ok, I’ll look into it…”
Meanwhile, I dart to the bathroom and realize that he must have meant BEAR spray. We had been talking about a women getting attacked downtown.
Wow.
He’s probably really confused as to why there’s bear spray in the women’s washroom.
Omg! 
You stand alone, in the humid place and enchant yourself. A droplet of sweat runs down your neck… And suddenly the cool breeze combs through your hair… a sweet musky scent it carries… it caresses your face…You are thankful, you are obliged, you are overwhelmed, you are blessed. Although you don’t remember when it came and how it died…
But for the breeze, I know, she traveled many miles… just to touch you and feel you… now she takes along your fragrance; like the bittersweet memory of a long lost lover, wherever she goes… she will be bubbling with glee and happiness of having met you… She tells every new face she meets, that she touched you… and your scent to her bosom she keeps…
She does know, that she’ll soon have to die… but she doesn’t regret; for she holds you close, as she loved you the most… And every time she takes a new form, she’ll come to meet you, as the wind, the rain, the sand, the fire, the ash, the smoke or the froth… She’ll touch you, love you and will bury herself dead and be born again, knowing that her only purpose of life was and is… YOU…
Lenny rode a motor bike
thinking he was zany smart
but when he was hit by Mike
he knew he was just a tart.
When you have your silk
In green and pink
Any colour will do
Except green and pink
daydream through a day
and sleep too is a reverie
because there is no other way
to see dreams through reality.
When people think you are a fool
and know not what gems you hide
should you then as a rule
protest that you are not a fool?
When there is someone to love
one who cares to hold your hand
and guide you through this life
is it only then that life finds its meaning?
Now you jumpstart another day
Soaked in chilly beans or syrup
who knows what will come your way
the chilly bean or the syrup!
If every time I shed a tear
A white pearl were to form
Then would you also cry my dear
To see if a white pearl would form
And rich we’d get from pearls galore
That from crying we would form
Little joys of kisses sought
and love’s labour lost
what is this life if not
this sweet molten frost!
Knocking at the door,
in the middle of the night,
at half past four
when i switched off the light
came five little goblins
with red satin caps
a basket full of clanging tins
and strange coloured maps.
I blinked hard twice
and pinched
yet could not believe my eyes
I flinched!
Goblins at my door?!?
It shook me to my core!
And then, the eldest spoke!
With his wiry finger did he poke-
“howdy miss, how do you do?
We’re the goblins of the far north
we’ve come to visit you!”
And so they marched in
right upto the den
all five little goblins
with such confidence!
When I rushed back
they told me to calm
handed me some chocolate
and an ache curing balm!
“We read in the papers
you’ve been a little low
this is not caper
to you, this we shall show
we’re your angels in disguise
here to love, not despise
lovelorn maidens we cure
of this you can be sure”
so they wished me night
off they were out of sight
again I blinked hard twice,
and pinched
I could not believe my eyes,
I flinched!
I sat upon the bed
and did all that they said
I chomped on the chocolate
and rubbed on some balm
have I lost my mind
or is this a joke of some kind??
Suddenly heavy lids overcame me
I flopped on the bed
could not think or see
off to sleep I fell dead!
Dear Elf,
There is something that I have to tell you since last week. I wish we would have sat by that rivulet and seen the purple dusk but I guess our muddy humdrum lives aren’t allowing us to do so. The sky is thick with smoke and the brook has dried, leaving us all high and low at the same time. But it’s ok; for I know that the sun will again rise tomorrow and have a glorious dusk waiting for us. How optimistic, am I not?
You remember, those tiny bottles hanging in your house? Well, I was thinking about them on Sunday evening while having my staple dinner of wine and prawns. I think they are sort of cute. Remind me to take one of them with me next time when I come to visit you but promise me you will not get mad if I break them and hurt myself deliberately.
Those pebbles that hurt me while I was somersaulting in your poppy fields have left tiny scars over my face. Whenever I smile at myself in the mirror, I see tiny dimples dancing on my rosy cheeks. Thanks for pushing me off the cliff; I wouldn’t look this pretty and attractive otherwise.
That sunlight kissed windows weren’t that bad. All you need to do is just shut your eyes and the rays will cease to enter your soul. I guess, sometimes sunshine does burn your life away.
Ah, I forgot to mention that stairway to heaven. Yes, I agree that it did take me to heaven but I guess not for long because the sunbeams killed the glory in my head and had me burning all over in pain. But don’t you worry anymore, for the pain has ceased to exist in my heart and soul. I am as cold and as white as ever. We can climb those stairs again and probably stare at stars together and not face sunbeams all over.
Those chocolate muffins weren’t that bad either. They were a little burnt though. Tell Sandy who runs your bakery to go easy on the oven temperatures next time. Those cute buttercups can be made a little soft and pleasant. I can go and help him next time you decide to bake some blueberry muffins for your grandma.
Oh, do you remember that blue-eyed boy who crossed me in the elevators? Well, he winked at me before leaving. But I don’t want you to get mad at him and give him a black eye because men like him can not go beyond winking. Next time, be calm and tranquil and do exactly as I say for I might tell you to kill him and not just give him a black eye.
Love,
A
Dear Miko,
I suppose you’ll never get the chance to read this, and maybe I will never get to even tell you that inspite of the slight nature of our acquaintance, you have in some strange way touched my heart. I really do not know what first drew me to you, I suppose I have always been attracted to eccentric people and you have been just that, the little that we know of you. I liked that you love to walk, that you are tall and lanky, and a little weird, quiet and withdrawn, maybe shy, and so very proper and polite. You inspired me to read a little more, work a little harder on my English; listen to that extra bit of music, love my Ipod even more, read up a little more on the sixties and the seventies and so on. I loved that you made me listen to Harry Belafonte, Miles and told me about the bands, Bread and Cream. I love The Bread, by the way.
Life on a trip revolves around some very simple things for me. I wish I could tear you away from the humdrum of class, professors and friends and take you to Marine Drive once again to watch the sun set a few more times. I have always thought it a miracle that the sun would set the same time for ever and ever. I want to steal a little bit of that beauty and keep it in my heart. It is like tearing a small piece of bread from a loaf when you are hungry, there maybe many more loaves but this one particular one would always have that one bite off it. I suppose I make little sense.
I had this dream the other night, where we sat side by side facing an “electric blue” river and what seemed like the ruins of Guatemala, and certain specimens of big horned deer who miraculously changed to people right before my eyes. When this happened you just put your arm around my waist and pulled me close and kissed me gently on my cheek and softly said: what a dangerous t-shirt… ! (referring to the people I thought were deer but were actually dressed in some sort of costume possibly) All this was very nice and I felt extraordinarily close to you. For a long time after I woke I shut my mind to the clutter of the outside world and hugged onto my dream like a precious secret till slowly its sensuality began to wane.
I don’t know what this year holds for me, but of all the things that I dearly wish for, I would certainly like to wish to get to know you a little better, spend some more time with you and maybe, even get a chance to call you this – “Miko”.
Love,
A
I’m not trying to make anyone jealous here but I have some very exciting news to share…I’m sure it’s only because of all the charitable work I’ve been doing. Well, that and let’s face it, I am kind of a big deal.
See, I’ve been sent a very special personal invitation to join Donald Trump himself at a very exciting seminar held right here in my town. Not only was I personally invited but I received 2 complimentary VIP tickets. That’s right bitches; Don and I are tight like that.
Apparently I’m going to learn about property investment and how to be a Real Estate mogul. It’ll even teach me how to be my own boss..er.. Forever.
Now, the card only had a small sample of all the great things I’ll be learning but it does put emphasis on the fact that (and I quote): “This is what I have learned the hard way, in the streets, fighting to grow my empire and fighting to stay on top”
I’m not really sure what kinds of things you learn on the streets of Park Avenue but I’m sure it’ll be very eye-opening.
I’m pretty sure the signature is authentic and the card is hand-signed, after all what better things could he possibly be keeping busy with?
Don’t worry, I won’t forget about you while I’m off living my lavish lifestyle and making millions simply by looking at buildings.
*ROTFLMAO 
Dear Homeless Man,
I hope your tap-dancing lessons are going well! I found out today that you have a twin brother, who looks exactly like you. Does he have the same Nike Shoes as you? If so, I think I may always think you are the same person. Sorry for the confusion, no wonder you looked at me like I was the crazy one when I asked you if you ever got a new oar.
I saw you and your brother fighting today. It saddened me deeply – families are the most important people in your life. Perhaps you were fighting over a female? Trust me, that bong woman who yells at people on patios and tries to grab their food is not worth a family feud.
Sure, if she stopped doing the crack and brushed her hair a little she could be pretty. If she ate something she could even be quite lovely but I’m sure there are more ladies for you two to deal with? I thought I’d let you know that that new wave you are doing with your hair? Very Donald-Trumpesque! Dress for success they say!
Kudo! 
Alice
Pungent madness…
Sudden theories of anger…
Recluse of pain…
Inertia in thoughts…
Abrupt pockets of sunshine…
Dark shadows of soul…
Bigotry thoughts…
Screaming lies…
Sardonic laughter…
Derisive tears…
Glimmering smiles…
Soulful afterglow…
Lonely walks…
Sorry cries…
Willful psychosis…
Sparks of fire…
Raging retrospection…
Inherent truth…
Bruised blues…
Sweaty palms…
Anorexic feet…
Panging pain…
Crushed emotions…
Bittersweet moonlight…
Howling hormones…
Haunting melodies…
Crucifying past…
Surreal light…
Courtesy: www.lifeisajoke.com
Wandering through the darkness
searching for a source of light
walking alone through this desolate land
a land that some call life
I need to find a fire
to kindle this hearts dying flame
someone to Search inside
someone who can stand to see the pain
Chorus: So save me from myself…
And I will give you all of me
Give me a little of yourself
And I will love you endlessly
Don’t be afraid of the shadows
I have been lost in it for so long
After awhile they’re comforting
After all the feeling is gone
Give to me your hand and lead me to the light
Take me from the darkness
Help me regain my sight
I know it’s a lot to ask
and I have not much to give
All I have is love
and the rest of this life to live
Chorus: So save me from myself…
And I will give you all of me
Give me a little of yourself
and I will love you endlessly
I have really bad luck with jackets. Not as in I can never find one I like, or that they don’t fit or anything but in that I lose them. All the freaking time!!! Sigh!
I can think of several stories off the top of my head.
A few years ago I had this wicked mid-length jean jacket (you know the ones with the faux-fur trim – so in at the time). I loved that jacket. It was dressy enough to go with, well, dresses and casual enough to go with jeans. Anyway, New Years Eve we’re all on a pub crawl in Mumbai, boozing it up, flirting with random strangers and dancing on the tables (literally!). The party-bus driver told me my jacket would be safe resting on the bus and I drunkenly believed him. As I stumbled my way into bar three of the evening, I carelessly tossed that jacket on a seat. It would be the last time I saw it.
For a long time I refused to buy a winter coat. Maybe this is because I don’t believe in winter and if you don’t believe in something it probably doesn’t exist. Am I right? Apparently not!
Winter still comes, that bastard. So I bought a dark brown, down filled winter coat. It had a hood and was like being wrapped in a fire. Only without the unpleasant burning sensation and 2nd degree burns.
One Sunday I was pretending to play football with a huge group of people before going to a pub to watch the game. Naturally after exercising like that you’re hot and have no need for down-filled jackets so I left it in my friend’s car. Well, I ended up leaving before him – without my jacket. He soon moved to Delhi and the brown coat has never been heard from or seen since.
I have a laundry-list of poor innocent coats left behind at bars: cute little black blazer (RIP), short gray 3-buttoned wool pea-coat, brown plaid jacket, long black wool coat, jean jackets (times two), and beige corduroy blazer (I miss you).
I thought everything had gotten better. I bought a few new trench coats (including an adorable red one), a couple of blazers, 2 leather jackets, a few fleeces, a nice snowboarder coat from my parents – things were looking up.
I had gone months without losing anything. I was being responsible!
Then my home flooded with unnecessary Mumbai rains. I packed away most of the jackets (as it was not the middle of winter, I had no need for a short sleeved cape-style jacket). The rest I took with me to my parent’s house where I ended up staying for 4 months while they gutted my home and help me rebuilt it. As I unpacked my boxes after moving back into my place I realized that a few important things were missing.
All of my jackets that I had stashed away for spring/summer/fall
Every Single One
I think maybe the movers stole them for their wives. Then again, maybe jackets just don’t like me.
