Ridiculous Observations

 

I think it’s about that time for me to make fun of people again. I miss it.

The best place to start is the jungle they call Online Dating. So I created a fake id for the fun of it and here are a few of my latest emails received. Oh how I love seeing the English language being slaughtered. Sigh!

Bachelor #1: YOU SEEM NICE GET BACK IF YOUR INTERERSTED

A quick glance at his profile reveals that as a career: “I work about 60 hours about in concrete. I am happy with my life”. That’s all he says and the only answer to the typical “About Me” stuff he gave was his salary.

First of all I’d like to know how I seem nice when you’ve never spoken to me. You can’t really judge niceness based on a written profile, especially not one that’s fake and to the point, like mine is. That would be like me telling him that he seems loud. Which he does, what with all the yelling and such.

Also what the hell does “about 60 hours about in concrete” mean? You work close to 60 hours kind of with a material resembling concrete? You work 60 hours a week? A month? A pay-period? A year? A lifetime? Who the hell cares how many hours you work?

NEXT!

Bachelor #2: Do u have msn?

While I’m at it, can I just give you my address? We haven’t exchanged 5 words and you want me to give you my msn? What kind of girl sees this message and thinks: “Gosh he sure did put in a lot of effort to obtain a personal bit of information from me; I should definitely give him a chance.”

So, giving him a chance, I look at his profile and find these tantalizing tidbits:

I am sexxy, energetic, and easy going. I am 31 male 5′9 well built and looking for friends and more. i am adventurious and always lookingto try new things.

Good thing you’re sexxy and not just sexy because I never date guys who are “only one x” sexy.

Moving on!

Bachelor #3: HI! I am nice good looking East Indian guy who is looking for some fun.

If you’re so good-looking why don’t you have a picture up? Also, telling a normal girl you’re looking for some fun = telling a whore you just want to talk. Or something along those lines.

My backwards analogies make sense in my mind. Does yours after reading this post?

Smells Like Teen Spirit (:

iAgree

 

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”

Smiles and Forgiveness

Brighter and lighter

The world seems now

Sooner or later

I will escape and how!

The sun seems glorious

And dances on my windows

My actions less notorious

And are more left indoors!

Again I am willing to fly

And take that flight

The birds in my sky

Are showing the green light!

When the time comes

I will hop, skip and jump

Till then I will wait

And avoid the bump!

I see a myriad colour

Pumping at the start

The smell of squalor

Leaving my heart!

Smiles spread across

From ear to ear

That leaves my soul

So far from fear!

Gone will be those days

When I will stress

For the angels above

Are finally here to bless!

I will dance till I die

But live to see that wee hour

With a twinkle in my eye

That won’t be sour!

I thank you all

For the good times and bad

But I know the fall

Wasn’t that bad!

So all I can leave

Is happy trails all the way

And let my heart forgive

For you deserve it and so do they!

Brighter and lighter

The world seems now

Sooner or later

I will escape and how!

The sun seems glorious

And dances on my windows

My actions less notorious

And are more left indoors!

Again I am willing to fly

And take that flight

The birds in my sky

Are showing the green light!

When the time comes

I will hop, skip and jump

Till then I will wait

And avoid the bump!

I see a myriad colour

Pumping at the start

The smell of squalor

Leaving my heart!

Smiles spread across

From ear to ear

That leaves my soul

So far from fear!

Gone will be those days

When I will stress

For the angels above

Are finally here to bless!

I will dance till I die

But live to see that wee hour

With a twinkle in my eye

That won’t be sour!

I thank you all

For the good times and bad

But I know the fall

Wasn’t that bad!

So all I can leave

Is happy trails all the way

And let my heart forgive

For you deserve it and so do they!

The Möbius strip called life…

Been running a marathon,

on this road called life.

Been running for a while now,

yet there was no end in site.

An invention got on my way once

saw this satellite device.

Wohoo I could see myself from above

but – hey – look – what the heck

it’s a Möbius strip I was running on

Been running a marathon,

on this road called life.

Been running for a while now,

yet there was no end in sight.

An invention got on my way once

saw this satellite device.

Wohoo I could see myself from above

but – hey – look – what the heck!

it’s a Möbius strip I was running on

(Inspired by logic behind the Möbius strip )

This one’s for you…

You make me

Dream about you

All the time

Day dreaming

Vivid scenes

Opening my eyes

With a broad smile…

Everything that

You have said

Is all coming back…

In a different light,

Every funny moment spent

Still reverberates a smile…

I wish I could

Drift away

Permanently in my

Real world of dreams,

Away from

This real world

Where I can’t reach you

I can’t feel a thing.

To a place that is unknown

To a place where we can be born

Again

As lovers

As friends

And

As soulmates

Omg!

Mostly I feel safe in this city, some days, not so much. Today the president of my company, trying to be helpful, advised me to pick up some bear-spray. I completely misunderstood and in my mind the conversation went like this:

The Pres: “Alice, do you have hairspray in your purse?”

Me: *thinking: what is wrong with my hair?*
“Um..no, but there’s some in the bathroom”

The Pres: *looking confused*
“Oh. Well you should think about getting some. For your purse.”

Me: “Oh…ok, I’ll look into it…”

Meanwhile, I dart to the bathroom and realize that he must have meant BEAR spray. We had been talking about a women getting attacked downtown.

Wow.

He’s probably really confused as to why there’s bear spray in the women’s washroom.

Omg!

You…

You stand alone, in the humid place and enchant yourself. A droplet of sweat runs down your neck… And suddenly the cool breeze combs through your hair… a sweet musky scent it carries… it caresses your face…You are thankful, you are obliged, you are overwhelmed, you are blessed. Although you don’t remember when it came and how it died…

But for the breeze, I know, she traveled many miles… just to touch you and feel you… now she takes along your fragrance; like the bittersweet memory of a long lost lover, wherever she goes… she will be bubbling with glee and happiness of having met you… She tells every new face she meets, that she touched you… and your scent to her bosom she keeps…

She does know, that she’ll soon have to die… but she doesn’t regret; for she holds you close, as she loved you the most… And every time she takes a new form, she’ll come to meet you, as the wind, the rain, the sand, the fire, the ash, the smoke or the froth… She’ll touch you, love you and will bury herself dead and be born again, knowing that her only purpose of life was and is… YOU…

Chilly Beans or Syrup…

Now you jumpstart another day
Soaked in chilly beans or syrup
who knows what will come your way
the chilly bean or the syrup!

If every time I shed a tear
A white pearl were to form
Then would you also cry my dear
To see if a white pearl would form
And rich we’d get from pearls galore
That from crying we would form

Little joys of kisses sought
and love’s labour lost
what is this life if not
this sweet molten frost!

Goblins at my door…

Knocking at the door,
in the middle of the night,
at half past four
when i switched off the light
came five little goblins
with red satin caps
a basket full of clanging tins
and strange coloured maps.

I blinked hard twice
and pinched
yet could not believe my eyes
I flinched!
Goblins at my door?!?
It shook me to my core!

And then, the eldest spoke!
With his wiry finger did he poke-
“howdy miss, how do you do?
We’re the goblins of the far north
we’ve come to visit you!”

And so they marched in
right upto the den
all five little goblins
with such confidence!
When I rushed back
they told me to calm
handed me some chocolate
and an ache curing balm!

“We read in the papers
you’ve been a little low
this is not caper
to you, this we shall show
we’re your angels in disguise
here to love, not despise
lovelorn maidens we cure
of this you can be sure”

so they wished me night
off they were out of sight
again I blinked hard twice,
and pinched
I could not believe my eyes,
I flinched!

I sat upon the bed
and did all that they said
I chomped on the chocolate
and rubbed on some balm
have I lost my mind
or is this a joke of some kind??

Suddenly heavy lids overcame me
I flopped on the bed
could not think or see
off to sleep I fell dead!

In search of memories…

It’s exasperating to think how well I remember you, every miniscule detail – it seems to me that the essence of your being is etched into my mind with golden liquid paint. Your memory continues to sink in deeper and deeper so that one day all that my life shall be, would be an extension of this memory.

Nothing is so permanent as this, no change in this, only I continue to get molded more and more into different shapes, but my void remains but a void.

Everything that remains incomplete has a much stronger memory than those that we aspire and achieve. The broken edges jab at my heart every now and then and I long to reach out and touch something that will sooth the pain. Our lives are but reflections of the cosmos that envelopes us, it is rich with the things we touch, the hearts we love, the tastes we swallow and the rivers that we go floating down. Every life is but a fleeting moment in the endless continuum of time and space, each likened to the other, linked by a thread that is only too bare but unbreakable.

But it is not to despair, for although a meaningless life as this is, there are joys too. We look for happiness in every little crevice of this universe, standing tall as we do, each one is a manifestation of the untold truth, as the centre of the universe…at the centre of the universe; we are all the essentials of our own little world. For man, and indeed all animals, life begins from the core, our egos – the self. For it is in all our similarities and differences that constitute each self, every one of us is a strategist in the world’s warfare. In being who we are we are constantly changing, moulding re-moulding ourselves in accordance with the ideals that constitute ourselves. And it is in this Herculean change that we find the constancy that we crave for. What an odd little world.

I digressed.

The moment is lost; you are lost in the depth of my memory. I cannot close my eyes and feel any longer the wet kiss on my nose. Will my memories fade? Will another one overshadow this memory? If all our memories happen only to be written over then what is the meaning of our experiences. The present is so fleeting and yet man gives up his all just for a moment of ecstasy… a single moment of the emotion that he craves for. The tears that I shed have no meaning any longer, for that was in the past, and my present will not form a memory, as vivid as it is in passing, in the future. But a lingering fragrance must remain and I guess it shall remain… Our lives are like traces of a perfume that we had put on once, our memories are its fragrance, at its best when it has begun to fade, but a whiff returns to us its former glory filling our senses with fulfillment of remembrance…

Trumpeting the Trump life…

I’m not trying to make anyone jealous here but I have some very exciting news to share…I’m sure it’s only because of all the charitable work I’ve been doing. Well, that and let’s face it, I am kind of a big deal.

See, I’ve been sent a very special personal invitation to join Donald Trump himself at a very exciting seminar held right here in my town. Not only was I personally invited but I received 2 complimentary VIP tickets. That’s right bitches; Don and I are tight like that.

Apparently I’m going to learn about property investment and how to be a Real Estate mogul. It’ll even teach me how to be my own boss..er.. Forever.

Now, the card only had a small sample of all the great things I’ll be learning but it does put emphasis on the fact that (and I quote): “This is what I have learned the hard way, in the streets, fighting to grow my empire and fighting to stay on top”

I’m not really sure what kinds of things you learn on the streets of Park Avenue but I’m sure it’ll be very eye-opening.

I’m pretty sure the signature is authentic and the card is hand-signed, after all what better things could he possibly be keeping busy with?

Don’t worry, I won’t forget about you while I’m off living my lavish lifestyle and making millions simply by looking at buildings.

*ROTFLMAO

Well…Well…

Something that I had read sometime back…

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don’t recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren’t really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job… and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn’t. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you’re doing this because you know that you aren’t a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself… and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty-something friends… maybe it will help someone feel like they aren’t alone in their state of confusion…

We call it the “Quarter-life Crisis.”

Letters…

Dear Homeless Man,

I hope your tap-dancing lessons are going well! I found out today that you have a twin brother, who looks exactly like you. Does he have the same Nike Shoes as you? If so, I think I may always think you are the same person. Sorry for the confusion, no wonder you looked at me like I was the crazy one when I asked you if you ever got a new oar.

I saw you and your brother fighting today. It saddened me deeply – families are the most important people in your life. Perhaps you were fighting over a female? Trust me, that bong woman who yells at people on patios and tries to grab their food is not worth a family feud.

Sure, if she stopped doing the crack and brushed her hair a little she could be pretty. If she ate something she could even be quite lovely but I’m sure there are more ladies for you two to deal with? I thought I’d let you know that that new wave you are doing with your hair? Very Donald-Trumpesque! Dress for success they say!

Kudo!

Alice

Optimism has a power cut… !

Raging Retrospection

Pungent madness…

Sudden theories of anger…

Recluse of pain…

Inertia in thoughts…

Abrupt pockets of sunshine…

Dark shadows of soul…

Bigotry thoughts…

Screaming lies…

Sardonic laughter…

Derisive tears…

Glimmering smiles…

Soulful afterglow…

Lonely walks…

Sorry cries…

Willful psychosis…

Sparks of fire…

Raging retrospection…

Inherent truth…

Bruised blues…

Sweaty palms…

Anorexic feet…

Panging pain…

Crushed emotions…

Bittersweet moonlight…

Howling hormones…

Haunting melodies…

Crucifying past…

Surreal light…

Kindle This Hearts Dying Flame…

Wandering through the darkness
searching for a source of light
walking alone through this desolate land
a land that some call life
I need to find a fire
to kindle this hearts dying flame
someone to Search inside
someone who can stand to see the pain

Chorus: So save me from myself…
And I will give you all of me
Give me a little of yourself
And I will love you endlessly

Don’t be afraid of the shadows
I have been lost in it for so long
After awhile they’re comforting
After all the feeling is gone
Give to me your hand and lead me to the light
Take me from the darkness
Help me regain my sight

I know it’s a lot to ask
and I have not much to give
All I have is love
and the rest of this life to live

Chorus: So save me from myself…
And I will give you all of me
Give me a little of yourself
and I will love you endlessly